Is Your Relationship in Crisis? When Couples Therapy Can Help and When It Won’t

Relationships can be a source of great joy and fulfilment, but when things go wrong, it can be hard to know whether the issues are temporary bumps in the road or signs that the relationship is in crisis. Understanding the signs of a dysfunctional relationship is the first step in deciding whether couples therapy could be the right solution. In this article, we’ll explore common indicators of a struggling relationship, what a strong and healthy relationship looks like, and when therapy can be beneficial and when it may not be enough. At Hirsch Therapy, we believe in empowering couples to navigate their challenges with care and empathy, guiding them through the healing process to reconnect and grow.

Content:

• Signs of a Dysfunctional Relationship Heading for a Break-Up

• What a Strong and Healthy Relationship Looks Like

• When Couples Therapy Can Help

• When Couples Therapy Will Not Work

• The Hirsch Therapy Approach: Keeping Your Needs at Heart

  
  
  
  

Signs of a Relationship in Crisis

While disagreements and misunderstandings are part of any relationship, certain destructive patterns can signal a deeper dysfunction. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationship dynamics, identified four key behaviours—often referred to as the "Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse"—that predict relationship failure:

Criticism – Unlike constructive feedback, criticism attacks the partner’s character rather than addressing a specific issue. Instead of saying, “I feel hurt when you don’t text me back,” a critical approach might be, “You never care about me or my feelings.”

Defensiveness – Rather than taking responsibility for one’s actions or listening to a partner’s concerns, defensiveness shifts blame and dismisses the issue. A partner might respond to a complaint with, “It’s not my fault. You’re always overreacting.”

Contempt – The most damaging of all, contempt manifests through sarcasm, mockery, and disrespect. It creates an atmosphere of superiority, where one partner belittles the other, leading to deep resentment.

Stonewalling – This involves shutting down emotionally and disengaging from conversations, often as a way to avoid conflict. A stonewalling partner may give the silent treatment, walk away, or act indifferently.

If these behaviours dominate a relationship, resentment builds, communication breaks down, and the bond weakens. Without intervention, this dynamic often leads to separation or divorce.

What a Strong and Healthy Relationship Looks Like

A strong and healthy relationship is built on much more than just the absence of conflict. While challenges and disagreements are natural, what truly strengthens a partnership is the foundation of mutual respect, trust, and effort. Based on the research from the Gottman Institute, there are key elements that contribute to a flourishing relationship. Dr. John Gottman called this the Sound Relationship House.

Trust

Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It’s the confidence that one’s partner will act with integrity, reliability, and honesty. Building trust takes time and consistent actions, where partners create emotional safety through open communication, keeping promises, and supporting each other’s needs.

Commitment

Commitment is the conscious decision to invest in the relationship, no matter the challenges. It sees the relationship as a lifelong journey together, and it says that the couple is dedicated to each other and to overcoming difficulties together. When both partners are committed, they create a stable foundation, helping the relationship endure hardships with a sense of shared purpose.

Love Maps

Love maps are the foundation of knowing each other – the essential guide to your partner’s inner psychological world, including their past, dreams, fears, stressors, and what brings them comfort or relaxation. This emotional attunement allows each person to feel seen and understood, fostering a deeper sense of connection and empathy between partners. Maintaining the couple’s love maps is important to ensure that partners stay attuned to each other’s evolving needs, routines, and experiences over time.

Fondness and Admiration

In a strong and healthy relationship, fondness and admiration are vital components. Partners recognize, appreciate, and vocalize the qualities they love about each other, both big and small. By regularly expressing this appreciation, they nurture respect and intimacy, ensuring that both feel valued not only during moments of closeness but also through challenges. A strong connection is built when partners shift from focusing on each other’s flaws to actively noticing and affirming their strengths and positive actions. Creating a culture of appreciation, affection, and respect helps to build a more supportive and loving environment where both partners feel truly seen and cherished.

Turning Towards Instead of Away

Turning towards your partner means responding positively to their emotional bids for connection, whether small gestures or more significant requests for attention, affection, or support. These moments of engagement strengthen emotional bonds and help build resilience in the relationship. On the other hand, turning away or against a partner's bids—whether through ignoring them, dismissing their needs, or responding with negativity—can create distance and resentment. Over time, this pattern erodes intimacy, making it harder to maintain a deep connection and increasing the risk of emotional disconnection.

Positive Perspective

A positive perspective involves approaching your partner and the relationship with the belief that your partner’s intentions are good, even during conflicts. It means choosing to focus on their positive qualities and the good moments rather than fixating on flaws or mistakes. When a positive perspective is maintained, partners are more likely to experience "positive sentiment override", where the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh any negativity. In contrast, when negative sentiment overrides, partners focus more on the flaws or perceived wrongdoings, which can create a cycle of criticism and defensiveness, making conflict resolution more difficult and damaging the relationship over time.

Managing Conflict Constructively

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, with studies showing that nearly 70% of all conflicts are perpetual—meaning they are recurring issues that don’t have a clear resolution. What matters most is how couples handle these disagreements, particularly how they repair and reconnect after a conflict. Managing conflict constructively involves communicating openly, listening actively, and working towards a compromise with respect and understanding. When conflicts are approached with a mindset of collaboration and mutual care, rather than criticism or defensiveness, it strengthens the relationship and promotes long-term emotional resilience.

Making Life Dreams Come True

Supporting each other’s personal goals and dreams strengthens intimacy and fulfilment in the relationship. When both partners help each other pursue their aspirations, it deepens the sense of partnership and brings a sense of shared joy in seeing each other grow.

Creating Shared Meaning

Creating shared meaning involves developing rituals, traditions, and values that give the relationship purpose and significance. This shared sense of meaning can range from family traditions to long-term goals, helping both partners feel that their relationship has depth and a mutual vision for the future.

When Couples Therapy Can Help

Relationships go through ups and downs, and even the strongest couples can find themselves feeling disconnected, stuck in conflict, or struggling to communicate. When challenges start to become overwhelming, couples therapy can provide a space to work through difficulties with guidance and support. Most couples do not seek therapy because their relationship is failing but rather because they want to strengthen their bond, rebuild trust, and better understand each other. In the sections that follow, we’ll explore some of the common reasons couples turn to therapy and how it can help foster deeper connection and lasting change.

Both partners still care about the relationship and want to improve it.

Even when a relationship feels strained, the fact that both partners remain invested is a strong foundation for growth. Couples therapy can help channel that commitment into meaningful change by identifying challenges and fostering healthier ways of relating.

There is a desire to rebuild trust after past hurts.

Betrayal, dishonesty, or emotional wounds can create deep fractures in a relationship, but healing is possible when both partners are willing to repair and rebuild. Therapy provides a structured and supportive space to process past pain, restore security, and move toward a stronger, more trusting connection.

The couple struggles with recurring conflicts but is open to change.

Some disagreements seem to surface again and again, leaving both partners frustrated and unheard. Therapy helps couples break out of these negative cycles by uncovering the deeper emotions and unmet needs driving their conflicts, allowing for more constructive and compassionate resolutions.

Communication breakdowns make it difficult to express needs and emotions.

When conversations turn into misunderstandings, criticism, or silence, it can feel impossible to truly connect. Couples therapy teaches practical skills to improve communication, helping partners feel heard, validated, and better able to express their needs without fear or frustration.

Intimacy has faded, but both partners want to rekindle it.

Over time, the closeness that once felt effortless can diminish due to stress, routine, or unresolved tensions. Therapy can help couples explore emotional and physical intimacy in a way that feels safe and fulfilling, reigniting the connection they once shared.

Life transitions

Major life changes—such as getting married, becoming parents, career shift, relocating, experiencing a loss in the family, or caring for aging family members—can disrupt the balance of a relationship, bringing new stressors and shifting dynamics. What once felt stable may now feel uncertain, and partners might struggle to adjust to their evolving roles and responsibilities. Therapy helps couples navigate these transitions by fostering open communication, strengthening emotional support, and finding ways to adapt while maintaining a deep connection.

At Hirsch Therapy, we take a client-centred approach, ensuring therapy is tailored to the couple’s unique needs. We strive to create a safe and supportive environment where both partners can express their feelings and feel heard, gain insight, and learn practical tools to strengthen their relationship.

When Couples Therapy Will Not Work

While couples therapy can be transformative, there are certain situations where it may not be the right approach. Some challenges can make the therapeutic process ineffective or even harmful if not addressed first. Let us now explore circumstances where couples therapy is unlikely to work and why alternative forms of support may be necessary before meaningful relationship healing can take place.

Ongoing Affairs 

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and when one partner is engaged in an ongoing affair—especially one that remains hidden or unacknowledged—therapy is unlikely to be effective. Couples therapy relies on honesty and a shared commitment to the relationship, but if infidelity is still happening, it creates a barrier to genuine progress. In such cases, individual therapy may be necessary to explore personal motivations and readiness for change before couples work can be beneficial.

Characterological Violence

There are two types of domestic violence – situational and characterological domestic violence. Situational domestic violence refers to instances where both partners engage in physical aggression during conflicts, often in response to escalating tension rather than a dynamic of ongoing power and control. Situational violence can be effectively managed in therapy, provided both partners are committed to change. In therapy, we would focus on improving communication skills, identifying triggers that lead to escalation, and learning strategies for de-escalating conflict. We would also work on strengthening emotional regulation, developing healthier coping mechanisms, and ensuring both partners feel safe and respected in the relationship. With careful assessment and a commitment to change, therapy can help couples move beyond the cycle of conflict and create a healthier, more supportive relationship.

In characterological domestic violence, on the other hand, there is a clear perpetrator where one partner consistently dominates and exerts control over the other. If there is persistent, severe abuse from characterological domestic violence in the relationship (such as physical violence, coercion, or intimidation), couples therapy is not the solution. In such cases, individual support and safety planning are prioritised.

One Partner is Unwilling to Participate

For couples therapy to be effective, both partners need to be engaged and willing to work on the relationship. If one partner refuses to attend sessions, dismisses the process, or remains emotionally closed off, therapy becomes one-sided and ineffective. In such cases, individual therapy can still offer valuable support for the willing partner, helping them gain clarity on their relationship and personal well-being.

Severe Untreated Mental Health or Substance Abuse Issues

Untreated severe mental health disorders, such as psychosis, severe mood disorders, or personality disorders, can significantly impact a person’s ability to engage in and benefit from couples therapy. Similarly, active substance abuse can impair judgment, emotional regulation, and communication, which are essential for effective relationship work. In these cases, individual treatment and stabilization are crucial first steps to ensure that both partners are in a position to participate meaningfully in therapy, allowing for constructive and lasting progress in the relationship.

Once stabilization is achieved, couples therapy can play an important role in recovery by helping both partners rebuild their connection, improve communication, and develop healthier coping strategies together. By addressing both individual and relationship dynamics, therapy can support long-term healing for both mental health and substance abuse issues, strengthening the relationship and promoting overall well-being.

The Hirsch Therapy Approach: Keeping Your Needs at Heart

At Hirsch Therapy, we recognize that every couple is unique. We provide a compassionate, non-judgmental space where both partners feel heard and understood. Whether you’re looking to strengthen your relationship, navigate a rough patch, or determine whether to stay together, we are here to support you.

If you’re unsure whether couples therapy is right for you, we offer a free 15-minute consultation to help you make an informed decision. We also provide affordable therapy packages and weekend sessions to accommodate your schedule.

Your relationship deserves care, understanding, and expert guidance. If you're ready to take the next step, reach out to Hirsch Therapy today.