Your First Couples Therapy Session: What to Expect

Taking the first step toward couples therapy can feel both hopeful and uncertain. It is normal to have questions, doubts, or even nervousness about what will happen. Many couples wonder how the session will feel, what will be asked, and whether therapy is right for them.

At Hirsch Therapy, we understand these concerns. Our goal is to make the first session as safe, supportive, and clear as possible. If you feel unsure or have questions before booking, we offer a 15-minute online consultation to provide guidance, answer your concerns, and help you understand what to expect. This can be a gentle first step to clear any doubts and ease any anxiety before starting therapy.

In this article, we explore what typically happens during a first couples therapy session, how the process works, and ways to prepare. Understanding these steps can help you approach therapy with confidence and openness.

We have a detailed guide to couples therapy here!

Setting the Stage: Preparing for Your First Session

Before the first session, there are practical steps that help set the foundation for a successful therapeutic experience.

Scheduling and Logistics

Therapy can take place in-person or online, depending on your preference and availability. Sessions typically last for approximately 90 minutes. When booking, you will receive information about confidentiality, consent, and what to bring to the session.

Intake Forms and Questionnaires

Many therapists ask couples to complete an intake form or questionnaire prior to the first session. These forms help us understand your relationship history, the challenges you are facing, and your goals for therapy. Completing these thoughtfully will make your first session more focused and productive.

Reflecting on Goals and Concerns

Before attending, it will be helpful for each partner to reflect individually on what you hope to gain from therapy.

You might consider questions like:

• What is your main concern in the relationship right now?

• Are there specific issues or patterns you want to address?

• What do you hope will be different after attending therapy?

Taking these steps creates clarity and allows the first session to start with intention and focus.

For example, a couple who wants to improve communication and manage conflict might notice that they argue repeatedly about chores or finances. They may hope to learn how to express their needs clearly without escalating disagreements. Reflecting on this goal beforehand helps the couple align their intentions and enter the session with focus, making the time together more productive and meaningful.

Creating a Safe and Supportive Environment

A central purpose of the first session is to establish emotional safety. Many couples feel nervous about sharing their feelings, especially if conflicts have been intense or if trust has been challenged.

Therapist’s Role

The therapist acts as a neutral guide, helping both partners feel heard without taking sides. The therapist ensures that the space is collaborative and non-judgmental, allowing couples to explore sensitive topics safely.

Therapists are trained to recognize relationship patterns and use tools like the Gottman Method Behavioural-Cognitive Therapy (CBT) and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) to interrupt negative cycles, helping couples keep their conversations constructive and focused.

For a more in-depth guide to how a skilled therapist can help, check out our article on how to choose a therapist.

Setting Expectations for Respect

The therapist will outline expectations for respectful communication during sessions. This includes guidelines for listening, taking turns, and expressing feelings without criticism or blame. Feeling safe in the room allows both partners to be honest and open.

Normalising Vulnerability

It is common to feel nervous or uncertain about sharing personal experiences. Hirsch Therapy emphasises that vulnerability is a strength in the therapeutic process. Feeling uncomfortable at first is natural, and the therapist will guide the pace so that conversations unfold at a manageable and supportive rhythm.

Sharing Your Story

One of the main components of the first session is providing space for each partner to share their perspective on the relationship.

Topics Commonly Discussed

• How you met and your relationship history

• Positive aspects of the relationship and what you appreciate about each other

• Challenges you are currently facing

• Patterns or repeated conflicts that cause distress

How the Therapist Guides the Conversation

The therapist asks questions to clarify your experiences and ensure both partners feel heard. This process is exploratory, not interrogative. It is designed to understand the relationship dynamic, not to assign blame.

For instance, one partner might describe feeling hurt that their partner rarely initiates meaningful conversations or quality time, while the other partner might feel pressured and unsure how to connect. The therapist helps each partner express these experiences safely, clarifies what each person means, and highlights patterns that may be contributing to repeated tension. This sets the stage for understanding and addressing underlying emotional needs rather than focusing on who is “right” or “wrong.”

If one partner responds defensively, for example saying, “You’re always nagging me” — the therapist gently interrupts to reframe and redirect the conversation. They might say, “I hear that this feels frustrating to you. Let’s focus on what each of you is needing at this moment, rather than assigning blame.” This reminder helps both partners slow down, recognise defensive language, and respond with curiosity instead of escalation. By guiding the couple in real time, the therapist helps transform tension into productive dialogue and shared understanding.

Benefits

Sharing your story helps couples begin to see each other’s experiences more clearly. Often, simply being heard by both a partner and the therapist can reduce tension and open the door to mutual understanding.

In the scenario where one partner feels hurt by a lack of initiated conversations and the other feels pressured, sharing these perspectives allows both to see the situation from the other’s point of view. The partner who felt unheard might recognise that their partner’s withdrawal comes from stress rather than disinterest, while the partner who felt pressured can understand the emotional impact of their distance. This mutual understanding builds trust and opens the door to constructive compromise, such as scheduling regular “check-in” conversations or creating small shared rituals to stay connected without feeling overwhelmed.

Understanding Relationship Patterns

After listening to your story, the therapist will often begin identifying patterns in communication, conflict, and emotional connection.

What Patterns Might Look Like:

1. Escalation Cycles, Where Arguments Grow Quickly

An escalation cycle often starts with a small disagreement that quickly intensifies. For example, one partner might say, “I wish you’d help with the dishes more often,” and the other responds, “I do enough already!” The first partner may feel unheard and raise their voice, the second partner may feel attacked and respond defensively, and soon both are shouting or withdrawing. In therapy, the couple would learn to pause when tension rises, identify triggers, and practice expressing needs calmly. Over time, these skills help them prevent minor disagreements from spiraling and keep communication constructive.

2. Withdrawal or Avoidance During Difficult Conversations

In some relationships, one partner withdraws when conflict arises. For instance, a couple might try to discuss parenting challenges. One partner brings up concerns about bedtime routines, and the other quietly leaves the room or gives short, non-committal answers. The first partner feels frustrated and alone, while the withdrawing partner may feel overwhelmed and shut down. Therapy helps both partners recognise this pattern, explore the emotions behind withdrawal, and introduce strategies for staying engaged in difficult conversations, such as taking brief pauses without disengaging completely.

3. Repeated Misunderstandings or Miscommunications

Repeated miscommunications often occur when partners assume intentions or skip clarifying feelings. For example, one partner might say, “I feel stressed when the house is messy,” intending to express a need for shared responsibility. The other hears it as criticism and responds, “You’re blaming me again!” This misunderstanding can trigger defensiveness and frustration on both sides. In therapy, couples learn to clarify meaning, reflect back what they hear, and check for understanding before reacting. These steps reduce conflict and foster empathy, making conversations more productive over time.

Why Patterns Matter

Patterns reveal the underlying emotional needs and reactions in a relationship. Understanding them helps couples see that problems are not simply about the surface issue, but about the way partners interact over time. Once we identify those patterns, it becomes easier for the couple to break out of it.

For example, a couple who frequently argues about household responsibilities. One partner says, “I wish you’d help more with laundry,” and the other immediately responds defensively, “I do enough already!” The conversation quickly escalates, with both partners feeling attacked and unheard.

In therapy, the therapist first helps the couple identify the cycle: the trigger, the defensive response, and the emotional reactions underlying the escalation. Next, the therapist teaches practical strategies, such as pausing before responding, using “I” statements to express feelings instead of blame, and reflecting back what the partner heard to ensure understanding.

For instance, the therapist might guide the first partner to say, “I feel overwhelmed when the laundry piles up and would appreciate your help,” while encouraging the second partner to respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness: “I hear that you feel overwhelmed. Let’s figure out a way to share the tasks that work for both of us.”

By practicing this in the session, the couple begins to replace escalation with constructive dialogue, meet each other’s emotional needs, and move toward compromise. Over time, these skills reduce tension in real-life conflicts and strengthen trust and connection.

Therapy Approach

The first session will identify such patterns gently. The therapist may provide insights into how these cycles develop and how they can begin to change with awareness and practice.

Setting Goals and Priorities

The first session is an important opportunity for couples to explore what they hope to achieve in therapy. Goals are most meaningful when they reflect what each partner experiences as the problem and what they want to resolve together, while also taking into account patterns the therapist identifies during the session.

Clarifying Goals Together

Couples are encouraged to articulate what they want to achieve, whether it is:

• Improving communication

• Strengthening emotional connection

• Rebuilding trust after betrayal

• Resolving specific conflicts

• Exploring uncertainty about the future

For instance, they might hope to improve communication, strengthen emotional connection, rebuild trust after a betrayal, resolve recurring conflicts, or explore uncertainty about the future. These goals do not emerge in isolation — they are shaped by the therapist’s observations of the relationship’s dynamics.

For example, a couple may report repeated arguments about household responsibilities while also feeling emotionally disconnected. During the session, the therapist might identify an escalation cycle, where small disagreements quickly intensify, and a withdrawal pattern, where one partner shuts down when discussions become tense. Recognising these patterns helps both partners see that their struggles are not just about chores, but about how they communicate, respond to stress, and manage conflict together.

Short-Term and Long-Term Goals

The therapist then helps the couple clarify short-term and long-term goals. In this scenario, short-term goals might include learning to pause during arguments, express needs without blame, and respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Long-term goals could involve rebuilding trust, strengthening emotional closeness, and creating shared routines that foster connection. By linking goals to both the couple’s concerns and the patterns identified, therapy becomes focused, actionable, and tailored to their unique relationship.

Collaborative Goal Setting

Finally, goal setting is collaborative. Both partners have a voice in deciding what to prioritise, which reinforces that therapy is a partnership rather than a process imposed on one partner. This collaborative approach not only helps couples feel understood but also builds motivation and commitment to the work ahead.

Exploring Emotions and Reactions

Emotional processing is often a central part of couples therapy. Many challenges in relationships are not just about disagreements, but about the feelings and reactions that arise during those moments. Understanding and expressing these emotions safely can create insight, connection, and more constructive ways of interacting.

Understanding Emotions

The therapist helps couples identify and articulate emotions in a safe and supportive manner. This may include feelings of sadness, frustration, anger, or fear.

The therapist helps each partner identify and articulate what they are feeling. This can include sadness, frustration, anger, or fear — sometimes emotions that have gone unspoken for months.

For example, one partner may feel hurt and invisible when their attempts to connect are ignored, while the other partner may feel pressured and anxious when asked to engage. In therapy, the couple can put these feelings into words: “I feel lonely when we don’t spend quality time together” versus “I feel overwhelmed when I’m asked to engage after a long day.” Naming these emotions helps partners understand that the underlying issue is not personal attack, but a mismatch between emotional needs and expectations.

Validating Experiences

Each partner’s experience is acknowledged without judgment. Therapy normalises these emotions and emphasises that they are a natural part of human relationships.

For example, in the session above, the therapist might reflect back, “It makes sense that you feel lonely when connection feels absent, and it’s understandable to feel overwhelmed when balancing work and family responsibilities.” This validation helps both partners feel seen and heard, reducing defensiveness and fostering empathy.

It’s important to understand that this is not a gimmick or simply meant to make you feel good. The emotions you bring to therapy are real, and the therapist’s role is not to dismiss or sugarcoat them. Instead, they are there to help you understand and validate your emotions as they exist, providing a safe space to process what you truly feel and how it impacts your relationship.

Recognising Triggers

Couples often react automatically to certain situations, creating cycles that escalate conflict or distance. The therapist helps identify these triggers and habitual reactions, providing insight into why specific issues provoke strong emotional responses.

In another example, a partner may feel dismissed whenever their suggestions about weekend plans are questioned, triggering frustration or withdrawal. The therapist helps them notice this pattern and explore the underlying emotions — perhaps feeling undervalued or anxious about being criticized. The other partner may recognize that their questioning comes from wanting to plan efficiently, not from a desire to dismiss. By unpacking triggers together, the therapist guides the couple toward responding thoughtfully instead of reacting automatically, which reduces tension and opens the door to compromise.

By exploring emotions in this structured, supportive way, couples gain greater self-awareness, mutual understanding, and practical tools for responding rather than reacting. Even in a single session, partners often notice how simply expressing and validating feelings can shift interactions from conflict or withdrawal toward empathy and collaboration.

Next Steps After the First Session

The first session is just the beginning of a journey toward understanding, connection, and healthier patterns. After this initial meeting, couples typically discuss what comes next — not as a rigid plan, but as a flexible approach tailored to their relationship and needs.

Frequency and Future Sessions

Therapy schedules vary depending on the couple’s situation. Sessions may be weekly, biweekly, or scheduled around other commitments. The important point is that future sessions build on insights from the first meeting.

For instance, a couple who discovered during their first session that arguments about household responsibilities often escalate quickly might decide on weekly sessions at first. This allows them to practice new communication strategies consistently, while having a safe space to discuss patterns as they arise in real life.

Reflection and Practice Between Sessions

Therapists may suggest gentle reflections or small exercises between sessions. This could include:

• Noticing recurring patterns of withdrawal or escalation

• Practicing “I” statements to express feelings without blame

• Reflecting individually on emotions and triggers

In another example, the partner might keep a simple journal noting moments when they felt frustrated or unheard, while the other reflects on when they noticed themselves withdrawing. Bringing these reflections to the next session allows the therapist to guide discussion in a constructive and focused way, rather than rehashing the same conflicts.

Preparing for Future Sessions

Preparation is not about having all the answers, it’s about clarity, openness, and self-compassion. Couples can:

• Reflect on Goals: Identify the most important challenges or patterns to address first.

• Be Open and Curious: Approach therapy with curiosity about each other’s experiences, rather than defensiveness.

• Practice Self-Compassion: Accept that anxiety, uncertainty, or strong emotions are normal, and allow yourself and your partner to process them safely.

• Discuss Readiness: A brief conversation before sessions about intentions or hopes can align expectations and reduce tension.

If a couple feels uncertain about the future of their relationship, they may reflect individually on what would make them feel more secure or understood. One partner may note, “I want to feel heard when I express frustration,” while the other may write, “I want to learn to respond without withdrawing.” Bringing these reflections into the next session provides a clear focus for discussion.

Support from Hirsch Therapy

Starting therapy is not a sign of weakness, failure, or blame — it is a conscious choice to invest in the relationship. Mixed emotions of hope, fear, or uncertainty are entirely normal. Therapy provides a safe, non-judgmental space to explore these feelings together.

If you feel unsure before starting, Hirsch Therapy offers a 15-minute online consultation to answer questions, clarify what to expect, and provide reassurance. This can help couples feel more comfortable and confident about engaging in the process.

By approaching the first couples therapy session and the sessions that follow with intention, reflection, and openness, couples begin to understand each other more deeply, address challenges with support, and strengthen their connection for the future.